Things I Learned From My Teen Clients This Past Year

I’ve been working with young people in high school for about 18 months now, helping them figure out what comes next. It’s been a privilege.

Many people don’t know what a “life coach” is—we’re still in the phase where an Internet search for a “youth coach” nets mostly job openings for middle school and high school sports coaches, not life coaches. There are similarities; thus the same name for our roles. I’m here to help my young clients maximize their potential, like any coach. I ask questions designed to help them find their own answers, and do some mentoring and advice-giving, too. It’s tough to explain, and a lot of times people don’t quite get it.

Over the past 18 months and 20 or so clients, I’ve realized that it’s a lot easier for me to explain to people what I’m getting as opposed to what I’m giving as a coach, so I wanted to share some of that here. My concentration is in life-after-high-school paths—helping teens apply to college, trade school, create a learning gap year, find employment in a chosen industry, and discover their strengths and maybe some potential career interests. In talking to teens about these things, about who they are and what they want for themselves in the future, these are a few of the gems they’ve left me with so far.

1. They are whip-smart no matter their GPAs. And funny!

2. They are INSPIRING. They create beautiful art; love obscure music even a music-lover like me has never heard of; quit sports that everyone else wanted them to play because it no longer gave them “joy”; organize school-wide organizations that have never before existed; have deeper resumes than I do at three times their age, or have no resumes and are excited to explore and build them; and the list goes on.

3. They are cool people with big hearts. (This is a dead giveaway when I get to meet their pets that want to be with them in our in Zoom meetings!)

4. They want whatever comes next to be right for them, or at least a good first step toward what the right thing turns out to be.

5. They work hard. And if they haven’t worked too hard yet, they want to—shown by the fact that they show up here with me and think about and answer hard questions.

6. Most of them truly know themselves already—their true, authentic selves. Sure, they might not know where they’ll be in a year, but they know what they stand for and what they don’t. They are not afraid to call BS.

It’s that last one that I’ve been most impressed by from the first client I met. It takes a lot of us a very long time to know ourselves well, and these kids are way ahead in that game. It makes me so excited for them as they move into their futures and start their own journeys.

And it makes me even more excited for the time when they’re in charge, and we’re looking to them to coach us.

At least for me, they’re already doing that.

Aim for "Good" Stress

What do you think when you hear the word “STRESS?”

I don’t know about you, but I hear something bad. I would guess that most people do.

And it’s a bummer. It stinks that the word “stress” automatically equals something bad in our minds. Because the truth is, stress levels move along a continuum. There’s actually a sweet spot where stress is GOOD. It’s a place where energy flows, things hum, you feel “in the zone.” We’ve all been there and know what it feels like.

So how do we get there, and how do we STAY there?

First let’s take a look at that continuum of stress, also called “Arousal Theory,” to better understand what we’re talking about.

AROUSAL THEORY

“Arousal Theory” (Yerkes-Dodson law; Diamond, 2005; 1908) states that there’s an OPTIMAL LEVEL of arousal (aka “stress”) to perform any task AT OUR BEST. Stress improves our performance of a task ONLY up to a point—a tipping point— and then beyond that our performance deteriorates and can actually begin to damage us.

Check out this cool YouTube Psychology Short here (8 min must-watch!).

Here’s a slide from that video showing what this looks like:

Slide credit: Shorts in Psychology, YouTube, 2018 (“Arousal and Task Performance”)

Here’s how that breaks down, and what we can do at each stage to help ourselves manage our performance.

TOO LITTLE STRESS

We feel bored, discontent and unmotivated. Sleepy. Unproductive. We sit on the couch and binge Netflix. Or watch WAY too many TikTok videos until somehow it’s three hours later. Or we don’t want to do the classwork because it’s “a boring worksheet” or “busywork” or not at all interesting.

So what can we do?

• Seek out new experiences. Make ourselves get off that couch and go TALK to a friend about what you’re watching on Netflix. Talk about the stories. The characters. Why do you like one and your friend hates them? Go actually MAKE a TikTok video, yourself! They don’t all have to go viral. Maybe you’re great at sewing and you make a cool time lapse reel of you sewing a fabulous top and then modeling it.

• Seek opportunities to “up” the complexity for yourself. Yeah, it’s a boring worksheet. But maybe there’s something there that’s interesting, that you can research on your own. Maybe you filled in a blank on it for History class and the answer was “the Mayans.” All you had to write was “the Mayans” just to check a worksheet box. Well, it just so happens that the Mayan culture was pretty fascinating. So “up” the complexity for yourself and go do some Googling on your own. (And let me know if you figure out the answer to WHERE DID THEY ALL DISAPPEAR TO??)

• Keep learning. If you’re bored with ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING, go learn about something else that YOU CHOOSE. (And don’t ever stop throughout your life!) Learn to sketch. Learn some words in another language. Learn how to make homemade ravioli. Learn about the incredible life cycle of the monarch butterfly. Pick literally ANYTHING. And go teach yourself. (And then maybe have fun sharing it with someone else).

GOOD / OPTIMAL STRESS

This is when we’re “in the zone” and things are humming. We feel engaged, motivated, alert and challenged. We feel like we’re GROWING (always the goal!) Maybe you’ve been through that first stage and you did that stuff and it’s increased your energy. Maybe the stars all lined up and your classes feel challenging enough to make you interested and wanting to work hard but they’re not taking you to that tipping point yet. Maybe you don’t know why things are humming—they just ARE.

What can we do to STAY here?

• Seek to understand WHY things feel good, and then keep doing what you’re doing. I’ll tell you, when things hum, it’s usually because you’re performing tasks that match your personality, abilities and desires—and you feel challenged just enough to keep growing, but not burn out. You’re in the middle, overlapping circle in that Venn diagram. Look at what you’re doing and try to keep that going! Ask yourself things like:

  • Why do I like my classes so much this year?

  • Why does Key Club feel like the best club I’ve ever done?

  • Which experiences have been great for me recently and why? And how can I create more of them?

  • Who am I enjoying being WITH as I’m doing things that hum for me? A great teacher? A good friend? A new class acquaintance?

  • Find the good stuff in what you’re doing and why you like it; then rinse and repeat!

TOO MUCH STRESS

This is the bad stress place. Where our performance has started to deteriorate. We feel exhausted, crabby, emotionally reactive, scattered, panicky, filled with anxiety. We maybe even start to feel sick with stomach cramps or headaches. We become unmotivated, can’t think clearly, feel numb. Maybe we isolate ourselves.

All of us have probably been here. At the TIPPING POINT. Where something’s gotta give.

What can we do to help ourselves?

• Scale things back. Are you trying to do FOUR clubs? Maybe cut it back to two. Have you agreed to lead too many things? Let someone else be the leader in one. Taking seven AP classes this year in high school or 18 hours in college? Maybe three AP classes or 12 college hours are better right now. Taking on too much of a friend’s stress? Maybe answer fewer texts from them, or tell them you can listen only at certain times of the day so you can be fully present, or help them think of other sources of help.

• Seek out experiences that are a better fit for you right now. Maybe you’ve always been good at math, but you have actually always HATED math. You’re in week two of AP Calc, hating math yet again, and the workload is insane and you already feel burned out. Maybe you just go and drop AP Calc (because you know you’re never going to use or teach AP Calc) and take a “fun” math class instead, like Personal Finance. Maybe learn how to invest on Robinhood and make a little money next month!

• Do SELF-CARE! Self-care should be a daily task for us ALL. If we don’t take care of ourselves, no one can. Put away your phone and go for a walk outside (nature is the VERY BEST medicine). Hang out with your pet or someone else’s. Cook a yummy dish or dessert. Go shopping for cool T-shirts at vintage stores. Whatever you love to do, go do it. (Napping counts!)

This is only a drop in an ocean of tips about stress. Google “Arousal Theory” to learn more. Talk to your parents and caring adults about how they deal with stress.

Get to know yourself better and understand where “in the zone” is, for YOU.

If you learn it now, you’ll know it about yourself for your entire future!

You Don’t Have to Have it All Figured Out Right Now!

A client came to meet with me this past spring—a senior in high school almost ready to graduate. His stress level was high—there was end-of-year stress, and end of high school stress about everything that was to come in the future.

I was there once (back in the late 80s…but still!) and I got it.

I still get it.

It’s a LOT.

And other people don’t make it any easier. Everyone always asking, “What are you gonna to do next?” and “Where are you going to college?!” and “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE?!?”

I had an uncle who used to ask me that all the time when I was in high school and I loved him dearly but it STRESSED. ME. OUT. I just wanted to talk about what fun stuff I was going to do the summer after I graduated.

When my client and I talked about his future, he said that people had been asking him that, too, and friends at school all seemed to know what they want to do with their futures, and he had an idea of a path he might like to explore, but what if (and here’s the part that pinched my heart) he went to college and “wasted money” because he didn’t know for sure yet if that was the right path for him?

I felt like I was going to come out of my skin for him, because this is the impression he has from the world at his age: you have to have it ALL figured out right now—and if you don’t (sucker), well, good luck.

I felt it when I went to college decades ago. The university wanted me to declare my major at the end of my freshman year, and I wasn’t even 19 yet and still had no idea what I wanted to do. And obviously now, many applicants must declare before they even get there, choosing a path of study when they’re applying to colleges and universities as seniors in high school.

Why do we make our young people feel this way when all of life is an EXPLORATION?

I’ve never gotten it, and I still don’t.

It’s absolutely fantastic if you’re 17 or 18 and you know what you want to do with the rest of your life. That’s FABULOUS! You can travel your learning path of least resistance and get ‘er done. Great!

But most of us don’t. And most of us want to feel like it’s OKAY that we don’t, and that things are going to be just fine anyway.

• [Interesting stat: “Just 2% of adults are working the job their eighteen-year-old selves thought would be their career.” What Color is Your Parachute for Teens, “Reality Check”, p.4]

The positives are that many colleges and universities now look at “the whole person” when they’re reviewing admissions. There are dozens of test-optional schools now. In some applications, it’s okay to declare that you’re “Exploratory” when you submit and you don’t have to feel like you’re going to be tossed into the “over there” bucket or denied admission outright because you haven’t chosen a specific path of study. And truly, there really is a university, college, trade school or other training program for everyone if you want to move on in your learning after high school and you commit yourself to finding it.

But here’s what I wish.

I wish high school was part academic learning and the rest of it on-site career discovery shadowing for every single student out in their local communities, so they can see what it’s like to work out in the world and try jobs on for size.

I wish high school taught life skills from Day 1—What’s a budget? How do I open a bank account? How do I rent an apartment?—not only because every person needs that, but because not every person finishes high school. (Personal Finance is an elective at my kids’ school.)

I wish we let young people live without the pressure of, “Oh my god, what’s next? What’s NEXT?!” and taught them HOW to live in the future, while they’re young.

I wish we taught them that IT’S ALL AN EXPLORATION.

So, back to my client. We worked together to unpack his thoughts around why he thought he would waste his and his family’s money if he didn’t have it all figured out.

And then I posed this question.

“What if at the end of your first year, you figured out that that program wasn’t for you and you had to switch programs, but you learned some new things in your classes, you learned a lot about yourself, and maybe even figured out a new path you’d like to try? Would you consider that a waste of money?”

He smiled and said, “Not when you put it that way.”

Learning does cost money. No matter your life circumstances, someone somewhere is paying for your learning, and no one wants to waste that money—especially not if it’s YOU taking out student loans or working to pay your way through your own learning.

But my biggest wish is that you NEVER feel any of it is a waste.

It’s all about exploration. It’s just life!

It’s about learning who you are and what skills and talents you innately possess and what things light you up when you do them. It’s about your brain finishing developing (when you’re 26!) and you making new connections about yourself and your place in the world.

You’re not SUPPOSED to know all that when you’re 17 or 18 years old. You just AREN’T.

Everything’s gonna be alright, and you don’t have to have it all figured out right now.

I promise.